Let's Have a Chat
by DearlyBeloved-13
Summary: Edward has turned 13 and the military thinks that it's time to give Ed "the Talk". The question, though, is who? Why, who would be better than the famous Lady's Man, Colonel Roy Mustang... ROYxED IF YOU SQUINT AND HAVE A BIG IMAGINATION XD


A/N: _ZOMG YOU GUYS! It's been so long! I haven't posted a story in forever! XD I've had horrible writer's block, which still isn't completely gone and is the reason this is sorta sucky writing but I hope you all can still enjoy this._

_Shout out to _MR. CHEESY_! He inspired me to write this. XD I was writing a different story and he was trying to guess what it was about on MSN and he said, "It's about sex, isn't it?" Something like that, but anyway, as soon as I read that, this came to mind. X'D_

_Enjoy! 8D_

**Disclaimer: WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN MUSTANG'S MINISKIRT!?!?! Man, I love Vic.**** He's the shiz. C: Don't own.**

Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Jean Havoc, Vato Falman, and Riza Hawkeye were gathered in a circle in Mustang's office, apparently having some type of important discussion.

"Well, he did lose his mother at a young age, so there wasn't anyone there to give it to him," Hughes reasoned.

"Unless that Rockbell lady gave it to him," Mustang pointed out.

Hawkeye shook her head. "They were busy trying to give Edward his automail. That was probably the last thing on her mind."

"In that case, he still hasn't gotten it." Havoc pointed out the obvious.

Falman hummed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Then someone needs to give it him now. He is already thirteen."

"Yes, the sooner the better. You never know, teenagers are known to do stupid things. And then there's that Winry girl Edward seems to be taking a liking to…" Mustang trailed off.

Havoc asked the question on everyone's mind. "But… who?"

Silence.

"I say Hawkeye should do it," Hughes piped up. "She could make it seem more motherly."

Riza shook her head. "Seeing it through his eyes, it would be incredibly awkward for him, considering I am a woman from the military and he is a young boy."

"Well, you got a point there." Hughes sighed.

Mustang smirked. "What about you, Havoc?"

"Me?!" He pointed at himself incredulously. "No way! I gave my little cousin the talk and he remained traumatized for life. Poor kid…" He sniffed. "How about Falman? He _is_ a walking encyclopedia! He could tell him everything Ed wants to know."

Falman grew the tiniest bit red in the face. "Me?! No, I couldn't."

"Come on, you probably know all about it!" Havoc teased, elbowing him in the ribs jokingly.

Hughes, deciding to remove poor Falman from the spotlight, smirked at Roy. "What about you, Roy? We all know you are a Ladies man. Maybe you could provide him with the best information."

Roy scowled. "You're the one with the daughter!" Immediately, Mustang realized his mistake as Hughes became starry-eyed, reached into his pocket, and took out a bunch of pictures of his daughter.

Unaware to the people inside the room, Edward was listening outside the door intently, only managing to hear a few words here and there. He was growing incredibly curious as to what they were talking about, but the stupid door was apparently too thick to be able to hear what was going on in the other side. Second Lieutenant Maria Ross and Third Lieutenant Danny Bloch never seemed to have a problem with eavesdropping, though…

Finally having had enough of not knowing what was being said when he clearly heard his name being mentioned a couple of times, Edward barged into the room. "Alright, why are you people talking about me?!"

Everyone turned to look at him with some type of deer in the headlights expression. Just as fast as they were to look at him though, they were quick to whip back around into their little circle, having a heated argument in whisper-screams and a lot of pointing at random people next to them.

"Hey! Don't ignore me!" Edward cried.

Whatever it was they were arguing about, they all seemed to settle on pointing at Mustang; he blanched.

Edward, still not knowing what was going on, placed his hands on his (manly!) hips and demanded for an answer. However, he was still ignored.

Hughes, Havoc, Falman, and Hawkeye stood, either patting Mustang on the back or wishing him good luck. For what, Edward did not know.

Finally, it was only him and Mustang in the room. The colonel went to sit behind his desk, lacing his fingers in front of his face. "Sit, Edward."

Warily, Ed did so.

Awkwardly, Roy cleared his throat. Then he coughed. He tapped his fingers on his desk. Edward fidgeted, feeling extremely uncomfortable. After a long moment of silence, the elder asked, "What are you doing, Ed?"

The blonde teen looked at him strangely. "You told me to sit. Mustang, what's this about? Why were you guys talking about me earlier?"

Mustang sighed. Apparently, it was inevitable. "You are currently thirteen, am I right?"

Edward nodded warily.

Roy let out a long breath. "Well, Ed, it's time for you and I to have a little… chat."

The blonde teen fiddled with the fingers. He definitely did not like the tense atmosphere. "What about?"

Mustang sighed for the who-knows-how-many-eth time. He tried to think of where to begin. "You see, Ed, you are at an awkward stage in your life where you change from being a child to an adult. You've probably noticed or will notice changes in-"

"WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SEC!" Ed shouted, jumping up from his seat. "Is this going where I think it's going!?" The heavy blush on his face did not go unnoticed.

"Edward, please sit. It's important for you to hear this."

"Mustang, you really don't have to do this!"

"It's for your own safety, Edward."

"M-my own-" Edward sputtered. " '_My own safety'_!? What's that got to do with anything?!"

Mustang stared at the blonde, trying to be as patient as possible. "We just want you to be informed in case you and your mechanic – or any other girl – decide you want to, let's say, do something that's for grown-ups."

"_GAHH!!!!!!!" _Edward pulled at his hair roughly. "I can't believe I'm hearing this- and from _you_ of all people! I'm not going to have sex with Winry! Or anyone else for that matter! _Not anytime soon anyway_…" He mumbled the last part to himself, hoping that the colonel didn't hear him.

Of course, his hopes were in vain.

He smiled smugly. "Well, you need to be prepared for when you do decide you're not _small_ enough to have… _fun_."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIND THEMSELVES A GIRLFRIEND!?!?!? WELL, YOU CAN'T EXACTLY GET YOURSELF A GIRLFRIEND EITHER, MUSTANG!"

The elder looked at the junior boredly. "Young, Edward. I meant young."

The two in the room were unaware that all of Mustang's subordinates were squatting next to the door, trying to eavesdrop. Upon hearing Edward's short rant, they all sweatdropped.

"So tell me, Ed." Mustang's smug smirk was back where it belonged. "Where did you learn about sex?"

His eyes widened and he grew red in the face again. He plopped into his seat and folded his arms across his chest. "Well, you read a couple of things about the human anatomy when performing human transmutation." He avoided Mustang's eyes.

Mustang nodded.

"But you only read about the anatomy?"

Edward confirmed.

"So you don't know all the details, then?"

"…Details…?"

"About sex."

Ed hated how blunt the colonel was about it. He turned away from him, blushing for the millionth time that day. "Not really."

Mustang tried very hard to hide the evil smile, but he failed. He didn't know why he thought this task would be so horrible. It was the perfect opportunity to further humiliate Ed! "Well then, I guess I'll just have to change that."

Ed's eyes widened.

Some time later, the door to Mustang's office barged open and a red-faced, terrified Edward came running frantically out of there. He ran down the hallway as fast as he could, all the while shouting at the top of his lungs, _"DAMN YOU, COLONEL BASTARD! MY EARS AND EYES AND MIND ARE FOREVER SCARRED!"_

Colonel Mustang came out of his office, smoothing out the imaginary wrinkles in his uniform. Maes, Riza, Jean, and Vato stood next to him expectantly.

"Well," said Havoc, his usual cigarette dangling from his mouth. "How'd it go?"

Roy Mustang was all smiles. "Better than was expected," he said as he watched Edward Elric fall down the stairs in his haste. There was a string of colorful words at the bottom of the stairs. Mustang laughed.

_Couple of hours later_

"Brother? Brother, where are you?!" Alphonse Elric called out. He was searching for his brother, who had been missing all day, at the military headquarters.

"In here, Al…" he heard a weak voice say.

He whirled around to look at a door and quickly went and swung it open. Inside the supply closet sat Ed, sitting with his knees hugged closely to his chest, rocking back and forth.

"Brother… are you okay? You suddenly sneaked off to Mustang's office. You were in there for quite a while. Did you two have a talk?"

Edward's eyes widened. "Don't remind me!!!"

Al held up his arms defensively. "Alright, I'm sorry!"

Edward sighed, and stopped his rocking. "It's not your fault, Al. Just promise me this, if Colonel Bastard ever wants to have… a _chat_ with you, immediately run out of there and come to me."

Al sighed and shook his helmet head. "I'll never understand the quarrel between you and the colonel, Brother. What's got you so shaken up anyway?"

Edward shivered. "Let's hope you never find out." He rethought his sentence and figured that Al would have to know _eventually_. "Or at least, not in the way I found out." He shook his head, stood up, and limped out of the closet.

His younger brother looked at him strangely. "Brother, why are you limping?"

"Hm? Oh, I fell down the stairs earlier."

"Brother! You've gotta be more careful! How did you fall?"

"Yeah, I will. I was, uh, running down the stairs trying to get away from Mustang…"

Alphonse sighed and shook his head. "Oh, brother…"

o.O.o

A/N:_ OH MAN. I just realized after re-reading this how I accidentally made it sound like _RoyxEd_! X'D _

_You know, like when Mustang asked if Ed knew about the sex details and Ed said no and how Mustang responded, "Well then, I guess I'll just have to change that." And then how Ed ran out of the room with a red face shouting how he was scarred forever. And then with Al, how Ed __limped__ out of the closet…_

_OH GEEZ! XDD_

_Thanks for reading! Review please! 8D_


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